Welcome to part two of our series of articles, The Relationship Killers’. Oh, if only they taught this stuff at school, these relationship and communications skills really do apply to every relationship in your life.
Defensiveness is the topic
“Getting defensive doesn’t hide the fact that you know you could have done better. Stop putting your energy into your excuses.”
― Tony Curl
Being defensive “is really a way of blaming your partner.” Wow! When I read this, something resonated with me, and I started to understand the impact it was having on my relationship.
When we respond in a defensive way, we are actually saying ‘you’re the problem – not me!’.
Here are some examples of two types of defensiveness:
- Cross-complaining:
‘Didn’t you change the vet appointment yet?’
Defensive response: ‘I’m busy at work all day you know! Why couldn’t you do it?’
- Playing the victim:
‘Didn’t you change the vet appointment yet?’
Defensive response: ‘Oh, I guess that’s just another thing I didn’t do right today!’
The impact
The main impact here is both partners feeling hurt. The solution is to try to stop the defensive talk before it starts and goes on to escalate into a defensiveness match between each other. Either way, take the lead and be brave enough to be the one to take responsibility first. Stop the defensive flow by saying something like: ‘Yeah, I could have said that better’; ‘Can I try and say that again differently?’; and ‘Can we please start this conversation again?’.
I know, it’s so hard to pull back and do this in the heat of the moment. But with practice and persistence it can become a part of how you regularly improve and repair your communication skills. You will actually begin to come together and connect in these moments, instead of being further driven apart. Your conflict can be turned into meaningful connection opportunities. I know, crazy right? But try it out next time and you’ll see.
What to do?
So back to our example, let’s try it out.
‘Didn’t you change the vet appointment yet?’
Good response: ‘Oops, I got so busy I forgot! Thanks for reminding me, I will phone them right now.’
Goodluck in implementing these tips, it can be tricky, but it really is possible. After all, what’s more important that being able to communicate well and keep connected with the most important people in our lives?
References:
Image: Afif Kusama via Unsplash
