Top tips from couples who are still making it work π
Here are some of our favourite pieces of advice from couples, counsellors and relationship experts.
Are they present in your love relationship?
Make Your Partner Feel Loved
Life gets busy. As a result we can assume that everything is fine and that our partner ‘just knows’ how we feel. Sometimes couples who have been together for years may even think they are beyond talking about feelings ‘the fact that we don’t need to tell each other how we feel every day, shows we’re stronger and more solid than other couples’.Β No, actually. The fact is, we all need to feel appreciated and loved. Don’t risk your relationship on your assumptions. Check in with your partner, are you both ok? Do you need more?
Here’s a secret. The most powerful thing you can ask your life partner is: ‘what do you need?
Showing your love doesn’t have to be diamonds and cars. Show your fondness with daily kindness; a caress on the arm as you pass each other in the hallway; a hand on their shoulder as you lean over to grab a plate; a lingering kiss in the kitchen; offer an ‘I love you’ when sitting on the lounge. Heck, press ‘pause’ and connect – daily. This is the most important person in your life, so tell them, show them. Don’t put it off, why not text or phone them right now?!
Repair After Disagreements
Sometimes we are so flooded with emotions during and after an argument that you may even miss or dismiss your partner when they are actually making a ‘repair attempt’. A repair attempt during or after an argument could be: a touch on the arm; an ‘I didn’t mean to say it that way’; or ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘let’s take a break’. Repair attempts are confirmation of care and love, of letting go of defensiveness in a fight.
There’s no competition in an argument, meaning, it’s ok to be the one who most often offers up the repair attempt. So, stop, hear the repair attempt, accept it and appreciate your partner when they make a repair attempt.
Recognise and acknowledge it with your partner, say ‘thank you’, say ‘I appreciate you for saying that’, ‘for holding me’. Take a break, breathe, try to talk through your thoughts and feelings again more calmly. Listen to each other until you both start to feel better.
Again, ask your partner ‘what do you need?’.
Safeguarding Through Connection
Unfortunately, it has to be said – not everyone wishes you and your partner well. There are outside people who are jealous of your relationship, your love. There are those who actively try to take what you have. Let’s just be polite and call them ‘homewreckers’.
There is also no such thing as ‘that would never happen to us’. It does happen every day, to people like you and I. Safeguarding is about making sure you and your partner are connected. Finding moments to connect and reconnect regularly.
It may seem ironic, but talking together about past hurts, even in your current relationship with each other, is an opportunity to [repair and] reconnect. The further apart you have become, the more often you need to connect – even every day. Solidify your partnership by talking about your fears with your partner – be honest and open, this is your best friend – there is no one more important to discuss this with.
Have fun!
Share new experiences together. Try new activities together. Get a babysitter (it’s a lot cheaper than couples counselling when it gets to that stage). Insist on date nights – really, at least once a month; even a dinner at home on the balcony or in the backyard with no devices. Make it an overnight date away together; dare to have a mini 2 or 3 night holiday away together. Lean on family and friends for help with kids and work. Tell them your relationship will benefit from it. Offer to return the favour.
And yes, use the time to ask your partner: ‘what do you need?’ from me?; from us?; for us?
Reminders are good. ‘What do you need?’.
