What are emotional triggers?

… they are real, my friends. We are triggered into strong emotional responses (panic, anger, fear, …) because of past traumatic events. You may even experience physical responses to some situations, such as feeling sick, shaky, sweaty palms, muscles tensing up, and your pulse or heart rate quickens. The situations that trigger your emotions are individual to you and your past experiences. What triggers one person may be water off a duck’s back to another. We are unique and complicated like that.

When we have experienced trauma in the past, say a bad break-up, betrayal, a traumatic confrontation, or publicly being made to look like a fool … sometimes those experiences were so hurtful that they leave significant emotional damage and emotional wounds.

These past emotions can then be stirred up or ‘triggered’ in present situations as you are reminded of those past hurts and traumas. You know it’s happening when you feel a flood of emotion. You may suddenly feel overwhelmingly helpless, angry, etc., basically feeling out of control of your strong emotional reaction in a current moment. Your past trauma is escalating your emotional response to a current, new situation.

It is horrible that a past relationship can affect your current relationship. Even though your new partner may be completely different to your ex, you’re carrying baggage. It’s part of your story, but you can rewrite your story.

How to manage emotional triggers

At that moment, when you feel that strong flooding feeling of negative emotion, try these coping approaches.

· Try to witness the situation. Imagine standing away from that moment and looking at it from the outside. What are you doing? How are you physically reacting? What’s your communication tone and volume? What emotions are you feeling?

· Recognise your response and feelings and acknowledge that it’s not how you want to react. You don’t want to feel out of control of your feelings and actions this way.

· Take at least three deep breaths, calm your adrenaline – imagine it is like a temperature or level gauge and visualise lowering it.

· Now that you are a bit calmer observing yourself at that moment from afar, depending on the situation, you could try some of the following.

Communicate your feelings. Say that you need to take a time out, that you need a short break, and give yourself a day. You can go away and meditate to calm your emotions. I’d like you to please write in a journal about what you were feeling and what happened in your past experiences that you think that reaction stems from.

Assess that if you didn’t have that past trauma, would the current situation really have warranted that emotional response? That is, try to get some perspective on the current situation on its own. Don’t be afraid to talk it through with a trusted friend, family member, coach or psychologist. Learn what works for you in trying to deal with your triggers. Know they could be coming up in a future interaction, situation or upcoming event. Be aware to acknowledge and be prepared for it.

How to reprogram

Don’t disregard your emotional triggers and responses. As we said, they are valid, and you need to nurture yourself. Be compassionate to your feelings and yourself.

1.      Think of the emotional triggers that seem to come up most often or impact your relationships the most. Journal them and where you think they first originated from.

2.      Looking back at your original trauma moments, what is your perspective of it now? Let’s try to reprogram your thoughts on that event. Perhaps you were a child, and of course, it was your whole world then, but what does it mean now as an adult? Tell yourself about your adult view in the now. For instance, say to yourself: ‘that hurt a lot then, and it isn’t my reality now. I am an independent adult, and I am strong. That can’t hurt me now.’… think of possible self-talk you can write up and use to replace your negative self-talk with more positive thoughts and views today.

3.      Could you create these into mantras? Personal sayings to yourself in these emotional moments. For example: say, ‘I acknowledge my past hurts. I thank them for the wisdom and gifts they have given me. Today is a new day, I am only getting better and better each day.’

4.      Respond at the moment to the other person: ‘I may not agree with you, as is my right, and I will do some further thinking on it.’

Importantly, I’d like you to learn more about you! Be aware of your triggers and that you have a choice on how to react and behave in those moments. As we said, we are complex and all unique. You are wonderful. Continue to work on yourself, to better your life and relationships.

We leave you with this inspirational quote: ‘It is the quality of our relationships, which determines the quality of our lives. -Esther Perel.

Or “It is the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves that determines the quality of our reality.” – Recel (but I’m sure a lot have also quoted this 🙂

What work can you do for yourself from here?

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