Welcome to the third instalment in our series of articles, ‘The Relationship Killers’. You can read these articles in any order, and still gain great information on relationship communication skills.
Contempt is the topic
… in our research, many psychologists believe that contempt is the worst of the relationship killers.
“In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because … contempt, simply put, says, ‘I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.’
― Ellie Lisitsa, www.gottman.com
Examples of showing contempt include eye rolling, sarcasm, mockery, sneering, cynicism, name calling – overall cruel intentions and cruel behaviours.
The impact
It’s not hard to understand the impact. Think of any time that a friend, family member, or partner made you feel less than you are. In the school yard it’s pretty close to what you would call bullying, isn’t it? No one really wants to be known as a bully. This type of behaviour in a relationship is usually from ongoing poor communication and simmering hurts.
If we take a step back and look at where we have found ourselves in our relationship, of course it would never have been our aim to get this point, to treat our life partner in that way.
We all want to be in caring and loving partnerships, so what’s the solution?
Do this immediately
STOP! Very immediately, when you feel yourself about to lash out with a hurtful comment, pause and re-phrase your thoughts into feelings and needs.
Talk to your partner about how you are feeling. Try to tell them what you need (emotionally or physically).
For instance:
Contempt example: ‘Just because you grew up in a disgusting, messy home – it doesn’t mean I want to live like that!’.
Non-Contempt example: ‘I feel like the house being messy and disorganised weighs me down and makes me feel depressed. Can we talk about how to keep it tidier, can you help me with some ideas?’
What’s next?
Do you remember your dream of what a relationship with the love of your life would be like? I bet you would imagine mutual love, admiration, caring and fondness. It’s not so easy to get back to that relationship culture with your partner when there has been so much damage from contempt.
I believe there does have to be a big moment where you both really hear each other, see each other clearly and confirm that you want to be together, and you both need to hit the reset button on your relationship behaviours. Talk about looking forward and how you both want to be treated. You may share memories of your most happy times and talk about how to get back to those feelings for each other. Remind each other that you have gotten through tough times before and you can again – remind yourselves that you are a team.
Be positive about your partner. Think positively. Start showing each other more expressions of love, appreciation, support and kindness daily – through your gestures and words.
- Have a five-minute check-in conversation about how they are feeling
- Give a second goodbye kiss, why not a third …
- If you’re walking past them at home, squeeze their hand, caress their shoulder
- Speak positively with your partner about them and your relationship together
No partner is perfect, we all have flaws. If you are positive about each other’s good traits and remind each other about those, you will find that you enjoy each other again.
Want more great content and relationship inspiration like this?
If you are single and ready for real love get in touch with the team at Vital Partners now or call (02) 9017 8400.
References:
Image:
Unsplash Orkun Azap
