We have made it to our fourth and final instalment in our series of articles, ‘The Relationship Killers’. While the term, ‘Stonewalling’ could be new to you, this is a relationship behaviour that you still may recognise.
Stonewalling is the topic
The term stonewalling comes from the analogy of building a wall between you and someone else. This is when a person mentally or physically withdraws from the conversation. They shut down, but worse they are closing themselves off emotionally.
This can happen because a person is feeling so flooded with emotions: anger, hurt, fear, etc that they really need to take an emotional breather and a break.
The impact
Of course, we have all been in emotional disagreements and we have felt the need to just walk away. Or maybe someone might think, if I just stop talking, this fight won’t get worse. Perhaps one person goes to a different room and slams the door closed, perhaps you go for a drive. Some people may even pre-empt a difficult topic and try to avoid the conversation altogether, try to act busy or even start a little tiff about a different topic, such as housework, to try to deflect from the bigger relationship problems.
Either way, strong emotions are being felt and displayed. Everyone has valid emotions and feelings. The issue here is that both partners have equally valid emotions and feelings, and when one person stonewalls, it withdraws their participation in the conversation.
If a partner continues to walk away or mentally withdraw and shut down from emotional conversations, this can become a habit and no-one can really feel good and nothing is ever properly resolved positively.
What is the solution?
As we said, all feelings are valid. You feel how you believe you have a right to feel. The solution when you get to the point of emotional distress is to literally, take a break from the conversation. You need to do this in a way that includes your partner though.
For instance:
‘I am feeling really distressed right now. I just really need to take a breather and then let’s try to discuss this again in 20 minutes please.’
‘I don’t like how emotional and out of control I am feeling right now. I don’t want to say something hurtful that I will regret later, when I am calmer. Can we agree to take a 20-minute break to calm down and then start the conversation again?’
In the heat of the moment, this can be so hard to do. It really is best for both of you to regain your thoughts on what message you really want to get across to each other and how you can do that in the kindest way possible.
What’s next?
If you have read the other articles in our series, you may remember those magic words, the magic healing question: ‘What do you need?’.
When you are ready to talk to your partner, check-in and ask them that question kindly, with love and with real interest in their response: ‘What do you need, honey?’, ‘I am here’.
Goodluck everyone. Love can be wonderful. Relationships do take lots of work. There’s nothing more worth it and fulfilling though is there?
If you are single and ready for real love get in touch with the team at Vital Partners now or call (02) 9017 8400. Contact Us
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