If you’re working on your current or future relationships, you will find that you come across The Gottman Institute. Their wealth of research and knowledge is so insightful, time and time again. John Gottman educates couples on ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’. These are communication styles that will bring about the end of your world, your relationship. These are the relationship killers. We hope that these articles can help your relationship by preventing these Relationship Killers. Here’s Part 1 of our series.

Criticism is the topic

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”
– Gary Chapman

Criticism is a problem. It’s different to making a suggestion to your partner. Criticism makes it a personal attack. You may not even realise that you have gotten into a habit communicating this way with each other.

When we criticise, our sentence may typically start with something like: ‘You never do this / You never listen to me / You always expect’.

It’s also not always what we say, but what we do too! If your partner makes the bed sometimes and then you come in and remake the covers and cushions to just how you like it to look, that can feel like criticism. That they didn’t do a good enough job and so they don’t bother making the bed anymore. And then you criticise them for never making the bed. It’s a minefield! We need to become aware of how our sometimes, little innocent actions may actually be criticising.

It’s not a joke

Don’t think that when you make a joke about your partners behaviours that this isn’t criticism. Even if you’re both having a laugh, the undertone message still being heard by your partner is that ‘something is wrong with me’. Speak well of your partner especially around other people. Making a joke about how they must be ‘allergic to housework’ may get a laugh with your friends, but no one likes feeling like their partner is putting them down, especially publicly.

The impact

When you criticise your partner, you’ve most likely just made them feel blamed, hurt, rejected, inferior, attacked … all of the above. Gottman says that you are actually attacking the character of your partner when you criticise. For instance: “You never help clean the house, you’re so useless”.

When you start a conversation with criticism, it sets the tone for the whole conversation and you are so busy telling each other your faults that you never get to working through the real problem, that perhaps you felt hurt, or you felt fear.

What to do?

Firstly, try to calm down and get your thoughts in order. If you react and rush in, not only are you more likely to begin with a critical sentence starter, but your tone of voice is also going to set the conversation on edge right from the start.

Open your heart, don’t be defensive yourself. Be ready to have a vulnerable conversation. Rather than focussing on your partners particular action or behaviour that upsets and triggers you, focus on how it is making you feel. Turn the conversation away from what they have done that’s ‘wrong’ and talk about how you feel instead. It could be as simple as starting with how you physically feel… “I feel so tired tonight, can you please help do the dishes?” Then move onto emotions … “Sometimes, I get to a point that I feel like I am not appreciated.”

Vital Partners Managing Director, Recel Tayor suggests:

“It’s good to ask the partner dishing the criticism to ask them to say it again to you and to say it slowly.  Couples who have been together for a long time often take their partners for granted. They sometimes say things without thinking it will hurt the other person. By asking your partner to repeat what they’ve just said and to say it slowly, can make your partner aware of what they are saying/doing (hopefully). From there, you can respond with, ‘I feel hurt with that comment’, which will (hopefully again) lead/open for a heart to heart conversation.”

That best piece of advice I ever heard from a marriage counsellor was to use the question “what do you need?”. In this case, ask yourself, what do I need? Most likely you need to feel valued yourself. You need to feel like your partner will help out when asked. You want to feel like your partner wants to help you. So, try telling them what you need emotionally and asking them to understand your feelings and help come up with suggestions of how they can help.

…Remember, ask your partner what they need too!