Regular readers of our blog articles will know that we sometimes quote Dr John Gottman. I recently read that when Dr Gottman was asked what advice he would give his younger self, his answer was:
“Get out of a bad relationship sooner”.
Wow! that’s quite a statement coming from a renowned relationship expert who has sold millions of books to couples working on their relationships. The next thoughts that came to my mind were:
When is sooner? Is sooner now? When is late? When do we know that enough is enough and we have tried our hardest?’ …. When do we know it’s time to say goodbye?
Where are you both at?
Have you said to yourself or a friend when talking about your love relationship: “We just don’t work anymore”? How do you know if it’s just a rough patch or longer-term?
Does your relationship feel like negativity is the daily theme? Negative thoughts about your partner, rather than feeling negatively towards the current situation or external factors. Without a doubt, there are times in a long-term relationship when everything feels out of kilter or just completely in the dumps.
Major challenges at work combined with money stress, family issues, moving house or other key life stage stressors can be the real cause. When more than one of these major parts of your life seems to be in the pits, it’s very easy for your relationship to get pulled down too. At first, we may cling to our partner. We’re a team. We are in this together, fighting the good fight. And you can be grateful for your love for each other. However, over time, the wear and tear can feel like permanent damage. People lash out and can do or say things that they regret.
Let’s turn the question around from ‘When to say goodbye?’, instead to: ‘Can you see a future together?’
- Are your partners’ differences something that you respect, – or do you cringe realising that they are never going to change and that you don’t want to still be having those same arguments next year and year after year?
- Are you still on the same path together? Do you both share the same plans and dreams, – or is it always going to be a constant uphill battle to get the things that you want for your life?
- When you see your partner, do you want to kiss them hello, – or would you rather just turn around and walk back out the door?
- Even if your relationship has had some difficult struggles and hurts, – do you still feel that this is a partner who was and is right for you?
How many of these questions did you answer in a positive light? Are two or three of them taking a negative view?
Whilst this isn’t a comprehensive analysis, it may highlight just how unhappy you are. If you are always complaining about your partner every time you talk with a friend or family member, you know that your relationship needs some work.
You still have options open to you.
Read each of the following lines one at a time, close your eyes after each one and really imagine yourself taking that action. How does each one make you feel? What is more appealing to you and makes you feel most hopeful?
- Talk to your partner and start marriage counselling.
- Take yourself to individual counselling to work through how you feel and get help with ideas on plans and actions that you can take to become happier.
- Talk to your partner about having a trial separation.
- Asking your partner to move out or you tell your partner that you are moving out.
Now think about your choice above as being your first step, and then think about what would happen as the step after that. And what would happen after that? And then what would you do after that? What would be the highest consequences of your action or decision?
Some of these paths won’t be easy, but if you can see yourself taking them just one step at a time and as you get through each step imagining that it feels right, and you feel good – then that may be the right path for you.
This exercise may help you test how you are feeling about your key relationship currently. Talk to a trusted friend, family member or counsellor about which path you think may be right. Do the exercise again in a week’s time, and maybe if you’re still not sure if it’s just a phase, do it again in a month’s time.
Where to now?
Frankly, if you’re still unhappy in a few months’ time, then you really need to either make a change in your relationship life together or make the change to move away from it.
Remember, think carefully about who you confide in. Maybe seek the opinion of a couple of people. You don’t want someone who will tell you what to do, but rather someone who listens and lets you know that they will support you and be there for you, whichever option you choose. That’s the test of whether they are a bit too biased to one outcome or another. Remember, it’s your life.
And finally, there are obvious instances in which you know you need to leave. If you or your children are in danger physically, emotionally, and mentally – you absolutely need to seek help. You can talk to your GP, who can get you in touch with support agencies. Phone lifeline 24 hours a day on 13 11 14
Want more content and relationship inspiration like this? visit Vital Partners.
If you are single and ready for real love, contact the team at Vital Partners now or call (02) 9017 8400.
Photo credit: Unsplash #ErdaEstremera
