If you are reading this blog article because you have been in a relationship that involved you being betrayed, cheated on, or perhaps you were the cheater, then firstly, we are sorry for your trauma and we are here with help. What so many unaffected people fail to grasp is just how devastating and damaging betrayal is – particularly in a deeply connected, longer-term relationship. Recovering from an affair is a hugely difficult goal.
We are Vital Partners, an introduction agency with a difference. We are not a computer algorithm. We are real people, and just like you, we have our own relationship history and heartbreak. Our Consultants are experienced matchmakers with certifications and qualifications spanning from matchmaker certification, personal coaching and relationship coaching, right through to a psychology degree.
Unfortunately, many of the people who come to Vital Partners for our introduction services have been through past hurt. Some of these wounds are scars for life. Overcoming infidelity, particularly in a long-term relationship, is life-changing heartache. In this article, we share some of our knowledge and experiences from both our own lives and those of our clients.
The pain and damage are life-changing
“I can’t believe this is my life.”
When we sit down with new clients and begin to get to know them, we hear statements like: ‘I don’t know how my life got here’. This type of comment so often coincides with a betrayal. For so many people, as they move into their 30s, 40s and older, life doesn’t follow the plans and path we thought it would, or wanted.
‘My marriage has ended, and I feel betrayed. We made promises to love each other faithfully until death do us part.’
As Alanis Morissette sang:
“Does she know how you told me you’d hold me until you died
‘Til you died, but you’re still alive.”
Even for marriages and long-term partnerships that fizzle out or end in mutual agreement, there is still a deep feeling of loss. Dreams were shared, promises were made, and there may be children. At the end of a love story, there is grief.
Is moving on from betrayal the same as the stages of grief?
Psychologists have identified the five stages that we go through when recovering from an affair and grieving as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
There is no right way to move through or across the stages of grief. Having an understanding of and putting a name to some of the feelings a person has when trying to deal with pain, can help to ground and calm us in some of those moments. That is, to take a step back and dissect what you are feeling. This is a distraction from living in a moment of pain.
Let’s be clear. A nuclear bomb has gone off in your life when there has been infidelity. The initial pain of discovering the level of betrayal can be so intense that it manifests in physical ailments. Worse still is the fallout, the ongoing effects of pain. There are ongoing aftershocks – perhaps from further discoveries of the details of the betrayal as well as lasting impacts that threaten to engulf someone – those are the emotional triggers. Believe us when we tell you that these reminders and emotional triggers will fade and reduce in potency over time. As they say, time is a healer – but you need the right environment with the right support to be able to not have resentment build within you and consume you over the long term.
Be thoughtful about where you turn for help
Like grief, the pain of betrayal cannot be ignored or simply held in. Find a good psychologist or counsellor who has experience in overcoming infidelity and recovering from an affair. Learn which close friends and family you can talk to and lean on in those moments of intense pain. Do not try to deal with this life-altering event alone. Reach out for help as often as you need it.
A note of caution. Try very early on to work out a close support circle that you can trust. While you may feel like screaming to the world that this isn’t fair, think about how you will be able to move on with your own healing if you feel like everyone you encounter is thinking about what happened when they see you.
If you choose to give your partner a chance to redeem themselves and give your relationship a second chance, then for your own sake, you will likely prefer not to feel constantly uncomfortable, like everyone is judging you as a couple. ‘Why did she stay with him?’ ‘What’s wrong with him that he got cheated on?’ ‘They will never get through this, they’re doomed’.
You have enough pain to deal with as you’re recovering from an affair, you don’t need the added scrutiny all around you. Unfortunately, because people judge so much rather than empathise and understand – the taboo subject of affairs and overcoming infidelity creates a mystery that does not help society. Everyone should know it as a fact that there is nothing good about betrayal – only pain and guilt.
You may also resonate with the experience of feeling let down by others around you. There are people in your life who just don’t know how to deal with what you and your partner have been going through. Some people may have had or suspected infidelity in their own lives, and this event in your life resurfaces their own past pain and discomfort. Those are the avoiders. People will judge you and your partner. People will unhelpfully tell you what you should do – without their own lived experience of what you are going through. People will make you feel low and ashamed.
Remember, no one can know the emotions involved in someone else’s relationship. It is not for them to judge. Just as you don’t know how other people’s relationships really operate, no one knows yours. Try as best as you can to remove yourself from the hurt that their response brings you. They have an even bigger issue if they can’t be there for you.
I can’t think about anything else!
Every detail may be on your mind every second of the day, particularly early on in your discovery. Your own internal constant questioning of why this has happened to you (and for the cheater, perhaps why and how you could have made those choices that you did). You need to show yourself compassion. Be kind to yourself. For the cheated-on, stop blaming yourself. This is not your fault. No one deserves to have their trust betrayed.
For the cheater, stop subjecting yourself to the analysis and the emotional battering you are putting on yourself and instead ask your partner – “what do you need?” Or if you are no longer together, apologise repeatedly to them, your family and anyone else affected.
When you feel your mind and emotions spiralling out of control, you need a break. When your thoughts wander back to the betrayal, try to train your thoughts away, for instance:
- Think of something new that you want to try or a hobby you want to restart
- Make lists of what you think would make you feel better
- If your mind is flooded with disbelief and questions, write them down and find the time each day to talk about those with your partner or trusted friend/s
- Journal your feelings. Write down how your day is going. How was your day? Rank it against how your day was yesterday, versus, how your day was on ‘D day’ (i.e. the day you found out about the infidelity). Taking a look back this way will help you to see the progress that you are making. Be proud of yourself for every inch of emotional recovery you are making.
Betrayal in the most important relationship in your life is devastating. Whilst many of us would welcome bringing back making infidelity criminal or punishable by law, it is a sad state of society that not only do people seem to accept it as part of modern life but, even worse, have it glamorised in movies. We need to be able to talk about the impacts of betrayal and to help each other heal.
Good luck, friends. Carry our love and support with you on your journey. Stay determined. Recovering from an affair and overcoming infidelity takes time, and you will get better. The scar will fade. Never forgotten, but take learnings from this stage in your life and know that you are worthy of greater love (with the same partner or someone new).
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photo credit, unsplash #ericward
